Hello, I haven’t seen you in a while! How is everything? Good? You good? You ok? Great, good, great, good. Anyway not much has happened apart from all the things that have happened, and who wants to hear about them right now when you COULD be watching a pop video which features:

• Ke$ha
• Unicorns in tuxes
• Ke$ha frenching a unicorn in a tux
• Dawson Leery in a tux
• A rainbow-gun shootout

…and more!

HERE IS THAT VIDEO

Until next time [a popstar releases a video featuring mythological creatures and a 90s teen drama star], chums!

So it’s only taken me a week to write this up. But don’t worry, it’s all PURE GOLD. First of all there’s the bit about how I haven’t written this for a week because I’ve been so busy at work, and then there’s the bit about how Don’t Stop Moving went last week, and then there’s the setlists – it’s all going very well, I can tell you. Onwards!

I haven’t written this for a week because I’ve been so busy at work, but hooray, for the last ever Don’t Stop Moving went very well! Thanks to all who came along, to my amazing partner in pop Ed, and to the guest DJs who did such an amazing job. I have some ace memories of the night, including an astoundingly hammy and emotional ensemble performance of Bad Romance. Will we ever see its like again. I started the night playing some super diva standards and wailing along by myself, before playing My Name Is, which for some reason I’ve never got round to doing. Then Kat played some absolutely enormo dance and Europop (2 Unlimited, Steps, Tinie Tempah, and the TETRIS SONG, so happy), followed by Mary and Joanna tag-teaming their way through a set which included one of my all-time favourites (Enrique and Pitbull). And then it was me! I’ve put together Spotify playlists of my 2 sets (hur) which I invite you to “access” for your ultimate DSM experience. Will we ever see its like [sniiiiiip]

Early Set [Spotify Playlist]

S Club 7 – Say Goodbye
Whitney Houston – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
Beyoncé – Listen
Jordin Sparks – Battlefield
Alicia Keys – Doesn’t Mean Anything
P!nk – Don’t Let Me Get Me
Robbie & Gary – Shame
Eminem – My Name Is
Alexandra Burke – Start Without You
Lily Allen – The Fear
Girls Aloud – Call The Shots
Solange Knowles – I Decided Part 2
Christina Aguilera – Genie In A Bottle
Jay-Z – Big Pimpin’
Plan B – She Said

Kat’s Set

Mary Ellen & Joanna’s Set
Take A Chance On Me – Abba [M]
Jellyhead – Crush [J]
Lovegame – Lady Gaga [M]
Girls On Film – Duran Duran [M]
Don’t Leave Me This Way – Communards [J]
New In Town – Little Boots [M]
Steppin’ Out – Joe Jackson [J]
Punk Rock Princess – Something Corporate [not Busted] [J]
Starstrukk – 3OH!3 & Katy Perry [J]
Something Kinda Oooh – Girls Aloud [M]
I Like It – Enrique & Pitbull [J]
Dance Commander – Electric Six [J]
Everyday I Love You Less And Less – Kaiser Chiefs [J]
Stay Too Long – Plan B [J]
Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth – Dandy Warhols [M]
Let’s Dance – David Bowie [M]
Run To You – Bryan Adams [J]
Acapella – Kelis [M]

Late Set [Spotify Playlist]

Beastie Boys – Sabotage
Cheryl Cole – Promise This
Backstreet Boys – (Everybody) Backstreet’s Back
White Stripes – Hotel Yorba
Big Boi – Shutterbug
Rebel MC – Street Tuff
Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough
Roxette – Dressed For Success
Charlotte Church – Call My Name
Liberty X – Just A Little
No Doubt – Hella Good
The Tamperer – Feel It
Mason vs Princess Superstar – Perfect Exceeder
Ke$ha – Tik Tok
Heaven 17 – Temptation
Ne-Yo – Beautiful Monster
Mini Viva – Left My Heart In Tokyo
Shakira – She Wolf
Destiny’s Child – Jumpin’ Jumpin’
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Kylie – Better The Devil You Know
Estelle & Kanye – American Boy
Hole – Celebrity Skin
P!nk – So What
Rachel Stevens – Some Girls
Rihanna – Disturbia
Pet Shop Boys – West End Girls
Christina Aguilera – Ain’t No Other Man
Madonna – Express Yourself
Billie – Day & Night
Ludacris – Stand Up
New Kids on The Block – Step By Step
Neneh Cherry – Buffalo Stance
Stevie Wonder – For Once In My Life
Cee-Lo Green – Fuck You
Kenickie – Punka
Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone
S Club 7 – Don’t Stop Movin’
- ED INTERLUDE STARTS -
The Beatles – Twist & Shout
Isley Brothers- This Old Heart of Mine (Is Weak For You)
Stevie Wonder – I Was Made To Love Her
Pulp – Disco 2000
Suede – Trash
Dave & Queen – Under Pressure
- ED INTERLUDE ENDS -
They Mighe Be Giants – Birdhouse In Your Soul
Aztec Camera – Somewhere In My Heart
Weezer – Pork & Beans
Europe – The Final Countdown
Toni Basil – Mickey
Deacon Blue – Real Gone Kid
Belinda Carlisle – Heaven Is A Place On Earth
Spice Girls – Spice Up Your Life
Betty Boo – Doin’ The Do
Blondie – Denis
B*Witched – C’est La Vie
Guns’n'Roses – Paradise City
Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
Fleetwood Mac – Don’t Stop
Bruce Springsteen – Born To Run
Madonna – Like A Prayer
S Club 7 – Say Goodbye
ENDS

Ah, Friday! I was going to post about the EMAs which I have all ready to watch but CANNOT MAKE WORK. So here’s a few amazing new songs to get you all excited about Friday, and more importantly about Don’t Stop Moving which is TOMORROW!

1) DJ ZINC feat. MS DYNAMITE – WILE OUT

Ms Dynamite’s rehabilitation from worthy, teen-friendly rapper of yore to everyone’s favourite collabo via several wilderness years has been pretty exciting, I’ve got to say. When I heard her do a quick radio interview earlier in the year talking about her new tracks and introducing the first of them, What You Talking About, I was slightly sceptical, but then – oh my gosh – they played What You Talking About, which is glorious in its ridiculousness and danceability (NB the video is slightly naff). And now there’s Wile Out which you listen to, and then it’s just right there, in your brain forevermore, which is definitely a good thing. So all Ms Dynamite needs to do now is keep making songs about having a wicked time at parties, and avoid ANYTHING to do with HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

2) KE$HA – SLEAZY

If I were to tell you that the chap behind Sleazy was also responsible for Bossy by Kelis, and A Milli by L’il Wayne, and Diva by Beyoncé, and Videophone by Beyoncé and Gaggles, you could probably make an educated guess at how this song sounds, and if you were to think it sounded sparse and massive, you would be exactly right. It also has Ke$ha singing/rapping over the top about how she doesn’t want…some stuff, to do with men. But it hardly matters, because your eardrums are vibrating too much from the FAT BASS to hear anything as pedestrian as WORDS. Can words be pedestrian?

3) NICKI MINAJ feat. EMINEM – ROMAN’S REVENGE

If Nicki Minaj was a friend of mine, or not a friend, but a friendofafriend, I’d owe her a massive apology right now and I would be prepared to deliver it IN PERSON and not just in a veiled way via Facebook. You know, the friendofafriend who just seems to be everywhere all the time, and talking on and on, but who just isn’t that interesting? That was Nicki to me for the past year or so. She’s done a lot of featuring on a lot of stinkers (including that godawful Young Money “showcase” Bedrock, or maybe Christina’s “Woo Hoo”, the song about cunnilingus that makes a mockery of the notion of euphemism) and I was beginning to get sick of the sight of her. But then I heard Monster by Kanye (and the rest) and her verse was the best thing on it even though the whole thing is AMAZING, and I was sold on the tiny lunatic. So Roman’s Revenge is a leaked track from Nicki Minaj’s album, Pink Friday, and it is STUPIDLY IMMENSE. Not only that but somehow, some fucking how, Eminem has managed to produce a set of lyrics that are clever, funny, passionate and weird, just when we all thought it was time to send him to the knacker’s yard. Still, the song belongs to Nicki, and features the strangest, most brilliant closing ever. I am so sorry Nicki – let’s be best friends.

Album covers, eh? Something for everyone right? For example:

1) AMAZING:

This is the cover to Tinie Tempah’s first long-player, Disc-Overy. The name itself is fantastical – disc, like a record, but also Covery, because DISCOVERY, you see?? But then look at the cover! American 70s rock art has nothing on this baby, all trippy colours, Illuminati triangles, blinding light fizzing out from Tinie’s VERY SELF and – what’s that he’s holding on to? Only bloody New York, my God! That’s where Alicia Keys and Woody Allen live, for Chrissakes! Some people said that when people started buying CDs instead of LPs (and then mp3s instead of anything physical at all) that album artwork would suffer. Those people must be feeling pretty frickin’ stupid right now.

2) AMAZINGLY BAD:

You might think that this is the blandest album cover of ALL TIME but think again! There’s loads going on: see how Carl, the photgraphee, becomes the photographER, regarding us regarding him – and not just with his mobile phone camera, that is just for plebs and he is an ARTIST so his “equipment” is vintage – it is authentic: it’s not the easiest to use, but he cares about the outcome, it’s just got that little something extra, yeah? That makes his pictures special, yeah? And that’s not all – he might just be wearing a simple black vest, which, yes, it may show off his sexalicious bod, but that’s not his intention right, he’s just a simple artist. But a simple artist wearing a little bit of massively expensive red string round his wrist, like Madonna and that have, because although he is simple, he is not like us, right? He is above us. He is spiritual, and has the money to prove it. And it’s not all about him, anyway, look – there’s a bird in the background. She walks by, out of focus, beautiful, winsome. So what does this signify? It signifies, reader, that Carl is a simple artist, with amazing tits, and a lot of money, and he can have it off with anyone he wants. Tinie Tempah must be kicking himself.

Ooooo goody, another year, another MTV VMAs! We’ve all seen the meat dress pictures and read about the supposed Taylor/Kanye disses – but can the ACTUALITY live up to the HYPE?

Well, here first of all is Eminem. He is solemn. He is offering words of encouragement to his fans – he said DAMN! But he skipped over the word “fuck” like when your parents are trying to tell you about something without saying the actual word. Eminem is desperately dull now: “I just can’t keep living this way”, says he. Don’t let us stop you, “Em”! Oh look, now yodelling Rihanna “resplendent” in red frightwig and tutu/DMs combination whilst Eminem “spits” about hitting ladies and such. Stop complaining about everything, for criminy’s sakes.

Right, that’s all over, good. Now a skit featuring Chelsea Handler getting her bottom smacked by lots of big men, and Lindsay Lohan having a joke about how funny it is that LL is a desperate addict. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Chelsea Handler is a US chatshow/joke lady by the way. Now I know how Americans felt in 08 and 09 explaining Russell Brand. Honestly, he is famous! Honest! She has a gravelly voice and is what you’d call “gutsy”. Hum hum hum, stand up routine, hum hum hum, Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga doesn’t wear enough clothes, Justin Bieber is young, hum hum hum. Rick Ross drives along in a granny-car to take Chelsea away.

Ellen De Generes announces the Best Female Video! And the winner eeeeeees: LADY GAGA for BAD ROMANCE! It was the best of the nominations, so, fair dos. Lady Gaga says worthy things about her little monsters being the cool kids at the party and then has a cry. Nice!

Another skit to herald the best new artist award. Enough skits! Oh, now another joke about Lady Gaga’s headwear, and now Jackass chaps appear to show a clip of their new film (it looks BRILLIANT) and to announce the noms for Best Rock Video. MGMT are “rock”? Er, Florence and the Machine are “rock”? etc etc. Anyway the winner is Jared Leto’s 30 Seconds To Mars. I thought only German people liked them? What next?? *something about David Hunklehoff*. Worthy acceptance speech from Leto, who pretends the award belongs to his chums but knows really it belongs to him, since he is the one that was in films.

Kim Kardashian now – I’ve never heard her voice or seen her face move. It’s a woman’s voice, and American. She introduces Justin Bieber, the horrid little grinning shithead. Stop singing so many notes, you douche! Stop singing AT ALL! Stop stop stop stop! Oh hang on, he has stopped. He’s miming. And doing…the Charleston…with some…child dancers yet smaller than he. And playing some drums. The thing is, grown ups must be buying his records. Who are you? Own up. Is it you? Come here – I’m not going to hurt you. Shh – shhh – this is for your own good.

Ah good, now Ke$ha and Trey Songz to present an award. Trey Songz means “very songs” – he’s French. I am going to gloss over how excrutiating this announcement is and skip straight to Usher‘s performance. He sings about being in the club, etc etc etc BUT this is super cool, he keeps sliding down the set, like loads of bannisters, or Donkey Kong or whatever! What beautiful dancing you’re doing Usher. And so *macho*. That was good though!

Now – Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj to present an award! They have: BIG BOOBS and A BIG BUM, respectively. Nicki Minaj has an amazing voice. Best Male Video award, anyway! The winner is: Eminem for Not Afraid! What a lot of auld cock. Katy Perry makes an excellent joke about stiffies in lieu of Eminem picking up an award, and that is that.

One of the sponsors for the VMAs, by the way, is yourcreditreport.com. Depressing times, depressing times.

OK! What’s next? Oh, it is Ashley Greene (I’ve seen her in magazines!) and Jared Leto insincerely and inexpertly introducing Florence and the Machine. The thing is, I’m so fucking sick of Dog Days are Over, but this is literally the FIRST TIME ANYONE OUTSIDE OF THE UK HAS HEARD THE SONG – imagine! Anyway, Florence is lovely and the performance is gorgeous, all Busby Berkley ariel shots and floaty dresses. Plus, Florence has PIPES, right?

Oh Lord, now here is Travie-who-used-to-go-out-with-Katy-Perry doing a very weak and pointless ramble. What was this for? Now it is N*E*R*D* doing their new one with Ciara. It is super-groovesome but is about cars and so on, and I’m not sure what it’s for. Pharrell keeps saying “Look at me” like Kath and Kim. What is going on?

Right. Chelsea Handler is very funny by the way, but I can’t type fast enough to tell you all her jokes. Now Glee people announcing Best Pop Video. Who will win? Who will win? Who will win? It is Lady Gaga. Gaggles is now wearing an ENORMO black leather/rubber dress and needs help to stand up. She shouts “yeeeah” really loud, it’s good that she’s actually pleased about it eh. “God bless pop music and God bless MTV”. I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I’d agree.

Rosario Dawson and Chris Pine try to convince us that Taylor Swift‘s songs have some sort of meaning before introducing her. Her performance starts with a replay of Kanye snatching the award off her last year – OoooooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOO! STRESS! Then there is spindly Taylor, “playing” a guitar and singing out of tune, as is her wont. Christsake, she can’t sing, dudes! Anyway this song is a Bon Jovi type slowy, and is tripe, sublimal Kanye diss or no.

Now here are people from the film The Social Network which is (I am not shitting you) a film ALL ABOUT FACEBOOK. Justin Timberlake is in this film. So anyway they’re introducing Drake with Mary J Blige and Swizz Beatz. All looks lovely “on set” like a 40s nightclub with Mary singing. And then Drake starts. Blimey oh crikey he’s nothingy, rapping all about what women do to themselves (their nails, diets, buy clothes etc). But wait! Drake’s woman has her OWN money and gets her hair done FOR HERSELF. Wow, this is outstandingly bad. If it’s not horribly patronising, it’s terribly sexist. “Shout out for the homeowners! Girls with diplomas!” I want to beat”z” Drake to death.

Evan Rachel Wood and some dude now announce winners of the Professional VMAs. There’s lots of them, but Muse and Florence win some, so that’s nice. But where are the PROPER AWARDS? And why is Jason Derulo warbling on a podium all of a sudden? I’m confused! Where are my slippers. Nurse!

Presenting an award now is Sofia Vablumblararann. I don’t know who she is but she sounds like she’s doing a parody of a Me-hi-han accent. Anyway the award is Best Hip Hop Video. There’s not much to choose from to be honest. The winner is Eminem. Who gives a fat rat’s ass.

So – Selena Gomez (small child in busty frock) and Ne-Yo (good with colours) are here to announce BOB - that’s Bob – singing his dirgish rubbish. I don’t hate all music by the way, but this past year has seen the germination, growth and then harvest of a crop of extraordinarily shrill and whiny “artistes” (see excellent article about same here), with Airplanes (AEROPLANES) by Bob being a prime example of such an artiste’s work. Although to be “fair” to Bob his raps in this performance are very very hyper and enthusiastic. Hide the Haribo! Oh, then Hayley Williams (Airplanes collaborator) starts doing some singing which I suppose is part of her Paramore schtick. More whining, but of the rock variety.

Robyn is on Jason Derulo’s podium now. Not to worry. Some Latina lady and maybe…the Rock..? No, it’s not, but I don’t know who if not he. Announcing Best New Person, who is Justin Bieber, the little titweasel. He’s Canadian, and Usher was his mentor, which explains a fuck of a lot.

Emma Stone and a man whose name is “Pen” insist on introducing Linkin Park who are playing at the observatory in LA. You know what I call Linkin Park? I call them “Stinking” Park. LP, consider yourselves – SATIRISED. They’re a broken people living under a loaded gun, apparently, except I think what they mean is they are a multimillion selling stadium rock band fronted by Jambo from Hollyoaks. Stop WHINING! They’ve gone a bit Marilyn Manson-lite, all bleeps and clunks. Still, it’s all a bit of fun for the kiddies, isn’t it.

GOOD. They’ve finished. And Cher is here to announce an award and looks FUCKING AMAZING in her Turn Back Time outfit. “I’m the oldest chick with the biggest hair and the smallest costume”. The award is Video of the Year, and the winner is: Lady Gaga! Wearing the famed meat dress! She looks astounding but I would not touch that woman, all clammy. “I never thought I’d be asking Cher to hold my meat purse”. Hooray Gaga all overemotional and crying and singing a bit of her new song. Hooray!

Aziz Ansari introduces Kanye West! Kanye arrives onstage to a few boos (idiots) and plays a bit of plinky tiny piano (this is its technical name) on a Tronnish set and then the song (Runaway) kicks in, all massive. “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs”. It’s a real sad song, all about how he always finds the bad in everything, and how you should stay away from him. Now he is joined by one of the Clipse (Pusher T) who I don’t mind telling you scares me, even in a pink Miami Vice blazer. Kanye finishes with a backdrop of firework rain and the crowd chanting his name. An excellent end to the show. Now – to bed.

Another Don’t Stop Moving has come and gone, and it was a great night! Very busy, lots of happy faces jiggling away to dirrty pop as played by our excellent DJs. The last hour’s worth of classic floorfillers was a particular highlight. Here’s what got played:

Ed’s early set
Prince – Do Me Baby
Bob Dylan – Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You
Steely Dan – Do It Again
Steve Miller – Rock’n'me
Ginuwine – Pony
D’Angelo – Untitled
Major Lazer -
Fleetwood Mac – Big Love
Usher and R Kelly – Same Girl
Kanye West – Slow Jamz
Rick James – Give It To Me
R Kelly – Bump ‘n’ Grind
R Kelly, Usher, Ludacris – Lovers and Friends
Prince – If I Was Your Girlfriend
Tone Loc – Wild Thing
Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls

Rob Britton’s set
En Vogue – Free Your Mind
Beck – Mixed Bizness
Run DMC – It’s Tricky
Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
Peaches – Set It Off
Elastica – Connection
Bis – Eurodisco
Whale – Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe
Kenickie – Nightlife
Rick James – Superfreak
Blur – Girls and Boys
T-Rex – Solid Gold Easy Action
Annie – Bubblegum
Spice Girls – Spice Up Your Life
Menswe@r – Daydreamer
Prince – I Would Die 4 U

Angel’s first set
TLC – Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg
Mya – Case of the Ex
Blu Cantrell – Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)
Ke$ha – Take It Off
Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch
Britney Spears – Oops! I Did It Again
Liberty X – Just A Little
Bobby Brown – My Prerogative
Katy Perry – Hot and Cold
P!nk – Trouble
Jamelia – Beware of the Dog
Blondie – Maria
Suede – Trash
tATu – All The Things She Said
Lady Gaga – Just Dance
Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
Rihanna – Disturbia

Cherry Foxxx’s set
Prince – Gett Off
N*E*R*D* – Lapdance
Destiny’s Child – Bootylicious
Billie – Because We Want To
Madonna – Like A Virgin
Robyn – Dancing On My Own
Sharkira – Shewolf
Kylie – Step Back in Time
Anita Ward – Ring My Bell
Sugababes – Push The Button
5ive – When The Lights Go Out
Girls Aloud – Something Kinda Ooh
Spice Girls – Say You’ll Be There
Labelle – Lady Marmalade
Neneh Cherry – Buffalo Stance
TLC – No Scrubs
Real McCoy – Another Night
Vengaboys – Boom Boom Boom Boom

Angel’s late set
Andrew WK – Party Hard
Liam Lynch – United States of Whatever
Madonna – Express Yourself
Nelly Furtado – Maneater
Whitney Houston – I Wanna Dance With Somebody
Christina Aguilera – Fighter
Pet Shop Boys – Left to my Own Devices
The Saturdays – Up
Estelle and Kanye – American Boy
Paula Abdul – Straight Up
*NSync – Pop
Rachel Stevens – Some Girls
Blondie – Atomic
Bryan Adams – Summer of ’69
Shakira – Wherever, Whenever
-break- [Ed played some songs, didn't write them down, people danced]
Lady Gaga and Beyoncé – Telephone
S Club 7 – Don’t Stop Moving
Pulp – Disco 2000
Beastie Boys – (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)
Girls Aloud – Biology
Kelis – Milkshake
Britney – Toxic
Guns’n'Roses – Sweet Child o’Mine
Duran Duran – Hungry Like The Wolf
Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now
Elton John – I’m Still Standing
Outkast – Hey Ya!
Queen and David Bowie – Under Pressure
Bruce Springsteen – Born To Run
George Harrison – Got My Mind Set On You
Bangles – Walk Like an Egyptian
Paul Simon – You Can Call Me Al
Fleetwood Mac – Go Your Own Way
Roxy Music – Virginia Plain
Adam Ant – Stand and Deliver
Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca
Madonna – Like a Prayer

ENDS – See you on November 13!

I was dead excited when Angel asked me to come and play some music at Don’t Stop Moving. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times, but always had the best time dancing to songs I forgot existed. I was even more thrilled when she told me the theme would be Dirrty Pop; my favourite subject! What follows are a few of my favourite sexy songs which I’ll be playing on Saturday, handpicked to entice you down to Camden for a bit of bump and grind.

Britney Spears – I’m A Slave 4 U
Yikes, Britney got sexy! Alright, if the tabloid hysterics were anything to go by, that happened when she dared to wear a boob tube and show an inch of cleavage for circa 2 seconds in the (You Drive Me) Crazy video, but dayum, what a tune. Pharrell and his other Neptune did good here.

Prince – Gett Off
From way back when, when Prince was still a dirty bugger. This is a great song to dance to in a club with a boy when you both know all the words and can act out the rude parts, “now move yo big ass ‘round this way so I can work on that zipper ba-by”. I also always thought the line, “I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Bet” was actually “I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Feltz”, which raised many questions.

5ive – When The Lights Go Out
I was pleasantly surprised I still knew all the words to J’s ‘rap’ in what is probably my favourite 5ive song (maybe along with “FIVE bad BOYS with the POWER to ROCK you” Slam Dunk Da Funk). I just hope I can remember the dance moves in time for Saturday…

Girls Aloud – Something Kinda Ooooh
I once went to a cheerleading class in Covent Garden for a laugh, but ended up attempting to master a dance routine to this along with actual professional, TV-standard dancers. I’ll let you imagine the scene. This song also features my favourite Gorls Aloyd moment, at 01:58 when Kimberley sings “oh boy, I can’t tell you how sad I feel/If tonight is just another kink in your steel”. Sexy stuff.

George Michael – Outside
OK, so I’m not actually going to play this at the club as I don’t think the humour transpires sans video, but I always found it so rude and hilarious that I wanted to share it anyway. As a bairn, I remember feeling very naughty watching the video when it came on The Box because it has boys kissing eachother. Filth!

MADONNA IS A SMUTTY HORNBAG! No wait, that’s not going to be enough is it. Well…next week is the MTV VMAs, hooray hooray hooray! Notwithstanding Madonna’s weird and mawkish ramble about Michael Jackson at last year’s awards, she’s always been excellent VMA VFM, with filth pervading her every performance. So in celebration of her, and in anticipation of the awards “themselves”, herewith Madonna’s best MTV VMA bits:

1) Express Yourself, 1989
This routine went on to become the opener for Madonna’s Blond Ambition tour, which featured lots of sexy glistening male dancers, grinding machinery, and better hair (on Madonna). This version is pretty much all there, what with the power dressing, pointy bras, muscle-flexing, and entirely reasonable demands that a chap take the time to play about with all her ladybits, conveyed through lyric and mime.

2) Like A Virgin, 1984
Quite a famous “routine”, this, although when you watch it, what’s striking is how little happens (especially surprising given how much dancing about normally goes on with Madge): Madonna is a on a big wedding cake, dressed like a saucy bride. Madonna climbs off the wedding cake really really slowly. Madonna steps around a bit. But then – Madonna rolls around on the floor intimately embracing her veil, and it only last a few seconds, but it’s that moment that everyone remembers, and rightly so, as she manages to make an obviously-planned move look spontaneous and private and totally naughty.

Who can forget, of course, the VMAs of 2003 when fat cat execs decided that this perfomance should be recreated, utilising Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Madonna herself…and, um, Missy Elliott. Now, I don’t want to go overboard in my condemnation of this event, since it’s pretty impressive and exciting to see everyone there together, and Britney has a nice bottom in that skirt, but also – why Hollywood? Why Missy tagged on at the end? Why so many notes where one will do, Christina? Still, the absolute genius of filming newly-dumped Justin throughout, expression going from arch to sour to plain fed up, cannot be denied.

3) Vogue, 1990
This also HAPPENS to be my favourite VMA moment of ALL TIME, since it is unfalteringly superb. Vogue in itself isn’t a rude song, really. It’s a hymn to showing off and having a dance. It’s hard to know why Madonna decided to express the song through the theme of 18th Century France but by God let’s be glad that she did. Lots of cleavage (on the ladies), tight pants (on the men), and gyrating about (on everyone). Pass the smelling salts!

I am utterly captivated by 3Oh!3. They are what happens when 2 men, one looking like a young Dave Grohl and the other a bank clerk, get together and sing completely peurile, disgusting, stupid songs about fancying chicks and getting laid. They have inherited The Bloodhound Gang‘s crusty, questionable crown and I think I love them for it.

Of course, if the songs weren’t any good at all it would be difficult to support my jolly approval of these gross douchebags, but luckily every single so far has been an irressitable rocked-up electropop NOISEBEAST, and 2 of those songs have benefitted from some saucy female interventions, these coming from, fittingly, two of the most Marmite ladies in current pop, Katy Perry and Ke$ha. For the record, I love them both, the screechy, mouthy, par-clad lovelies. What’s more, 3Oh!3 (I like to imagine myself shouting the “Oh!” in surprise but in reality I just…say it) know their way around a lyric or two, be it Starstrukk with its helium-Song 2 wolf whistles, or My First Kiss with the line “Your kiss is like whiskey, it gets me drunk / And I wake up in the morning with the taste of your tongue” – where I admit that I have never wanted more in my life for “tongue” to be replaced with “spunk”.

Anyway the first song I heard by 3Ohhhhhh!3 was this one, Don’t Trust Me. This features my very favourite lyric of them all: “Shush girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips”, and is set to a completely unrelated video. The “story” is apparently that Dave and the Banker are the last 2 men left alive in the WORLD, which necessitates them dressing in their pants and throwing fruit at each other, doing some wrestling in lycra, being savages, and all sorts, all with lay-deez in plentiful attendance and all as dees-gus-teeng-ly and dumbly as superhumanly possible. I don’t know what else to say to convince you: 3Oh!Oh!Oh!3 are amazing:

August Bank Holiday means Car-ni-val time hooray! I’m not actually going this year (I anticipate vuvuzelas, and fear a Tuesday hangover), but here’s a bit of jolly filth to get us all in the mood.

Nookie by Jamesy P is a beautifully summery song and it’s impossible not to want to bop around happily to it whilst doing the ironing, reading the sport section, cleaning the bog etc. And the songster’s name – Jamesy! P! – suggests a playful and cheeky little scamp, which happily turns out to be the case. But the song I’m talking about is not about having a lovely little dance, or how excellent summer is, or about going to the seaside, or any innocent pursuit at all. It is about nookie – which, given the song’s title, should come as no real surprise. Nookie, by which we mean sex, is being vigourously pursued by Jamesy P. “I am searching for one thing”, he says, jollily, “And I don’t care what it costs me”. A chilling message delivered with the utmost mirth. But just in case you’re not really sure what it is JP is after, listen to the wickedly catchy refrain with the subliminal hints from the backing singers. Although if someone were to chat me up by referring to my “pussy wussy” I may vomit all over them.

Which actually leads us quite nicely to the video for this awesome tune: Jamesy P fetches up on Nookie Island, where no men are allowed – uh oh! – EXCEPT FOR Jamesy P – hooray! All the inhabitants of Nookie Island are predictably lovely and all decked out in tiny tiny bikini items. JP is immensely happy, although hypocritically and confusingly dressed throughtout in at the very LEAST a vest but mostly a complete suit, obviously not one to observe the cultures of his chosen holiday destination. The thing about it is though, the ladies of Nookie Island, though lovely and naked and prepared to rub themselves over one another and JP, all look singularly bored and disinterested. Almost as if a large grinning man telling them repeatedly he’s looking for nookie tonight, as in pussy wussy, was in some way a turn-off. But don’t worry: he doesn’t say he wants them to enjoy it does he – so as usual in pop, everything works out for the best. I guarantee you will not get this song out of your head, so if you have a hot date lined up and you are hoping to get lucky, get listening:

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